A Gryffindor's Regrets
by JacksonFrost
Summary: Sirius loved being a Gryffindor with all his heart. But there are five times when even he felt regret. One-shot, T for language.


**Author's Note:** In response to the Five Things Challenge. Here are five times Sirius regretted being a Gryffindor. Read and review please!

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

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**A Gryffindor's Regrets**

_i._

"You're a disgrace to the Blacks," Bellatrix hissed at Sirius, whose grin from being sorted into Gryffindor and making instant friends, was just now fading.

He looked from Bellatrix to Andromeda, cousin to cousin, and saw two identical disapproving scowls.

"Couldn't you have asked for Slytherin?" Andromeda snapped. "Your parents are going to kill you, and us!"

It was a bit rich, Sirius thought, for Andromeda to be criticizing him for failing the family after she had been spotted hugging a Muggle-born. Still, he didn't dare say that because both of his cousins looked ferocious.

He tried grinning at them. "They'll be mad, but they'll get over it eventually. They have to, right?"

"No, Sirius," Bellatrix said acidly. "They do not 'have to.' They'll probably hate you forever, as they should. As Andromeda and I do."

Sirius' eyes widened. "You hate me?" he asked, fighting to keep his voice steady. Even if Bellatrix could be a right bitch at times, he still loved his cousin who secretly taught him how to use his wand and defended him from any playground bullies. And he loved spending time with Andromeda, who would listen to any problems he had and give him fantastic advice.

Neither of his cousins spoke, but instead, gave him looks of deep disgust, in Bellatrix's case, and disapproval, in Andromeda's, and walked away. Sirius, for the first time, felt a flicker of regret over the Hat's choice.

_ii._

The first and last time Sirius left Hogwarts to go home for Christmas was a disaster from the start. His aunt and uncle were waiting for Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Sirius, but Sirius' parents were nowhere in sight. When Sirius dared to ask where they were, his aunt managed a curt "home" before falling into a tense silence.

Sirius Disapperated with his relatives and he appeared in his own house. His mother was standing there, waiting for him. As soon as she saw her eldest son, she spit in his face. "You disgusting blood traitor," she hissed. "Get out of my sight."

Sirius was furious and pushed past a stunned Andromeda and Bellatrix and his younger brother, Regulus, who refused to make eye contact with him. Sirius stormed up to his room, untouched since he left for Hogwarts, and flung himself onto his bed. He lay there for what seemed like hours, but was really only thirty minutes, until he heard a tentative knock on his door.

"WHAT?" he roared.

"It's uh, time for dinner," a voice that was clearly Regulus' said. "Mum wants you downstairs."

Sirius swore under his breath. "Fine," he yelled through the door. "I'll be down in five minutes."

There was no response; Regulus had walked away from the door as soon as his message was delivered. Sirius angrily walked over to his mirror and filled a basin with hot water. He began to furiously scrub at the spot where his mother's spittle had landed, scrubbing until his cheek was raw.

He had always imagined a different sort of Christmas when he came home during his first year of Hogwarts. His parents were supposed to give him the newest broom model, like Andromeda and Bellatrix got their first year. His brother was supposed to pester him with questions about what Hogwarts was really like. Andromeda and Bellatrix were supposed to welcome him into their circle. It was supposed to be happy.

And Sirius felt the pain of regret as he imagined what this Christmas would be like if he was a Slytherin.

_iii._

When Sirius was in his fifth year at Hogwarts, Regulus came to Hogwarts. Sirius refrained from booing and hissing along with the rest of his table when Regulus was declared a Slytherin, but that was the extent of his brotherly love.

The next time he saw Regulus was on the Hogwarts Express at the start of Christmas break. Sirius was headed to James' house, for the fourth Christmas in a row, and Regulus was headed back to the miserable Black house. Sirius smirked without much pity.

When they came back from Christmas break, Sirius stumbled upon Regulus in the fourth floor's bathroom. Regulus was in a corner, quietly crying. Alarmed, Sirius pondered what to do for several minutes until Regulus looked up.

"Oh," he muttered, wiping his eyes. "It's you."

"Why are you crying?" Sirius asked awkwardly, coming to sit beside his younger brother.

"It's nothing," Regulus snapped, looking away. "You wouldn't care."

Sirius frowned. "Try me."

So Regulus told him about the bullying that had been plaguing him since he arrived at the school. Apparently Regalus was too weak and sensitive and stupid for the older boys of Slytherin, so he was the favorite of the House to mock and tease and generally push around. When Sirius heard this, he was horrified. His younger brother had been going through this, right under his nose?

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

Regulus looked down. "I've seen you with Severus, I thought you might view me as the same as him."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Snivellous is a git. He deserves everything he gets. You don't."

Regulus smirked without humor. "He really has it in for me because of you."

Sirius clenched his fist in fury at the thought of that pasty prat hurting his brother. "Is that really why you didn't tell me, Reg?"

"No," Regulus admitted. "It's just, you're a Gryffindor. You're not really a Black anymore. So you're not really my brother anymore."

Sirius sat still, staring at his hands. He felt the ache of regret as he realized that although he had gained so much with his status as a Gryffindor, he also lost a brother.

_iv._

The seventh years lined up on the Quidditch field, excitedly chattering to their friends, dressed in their House colors one last time.

"I can't believe we're finally graduating!" James cheered enthusiastically.

Sirius slapped him on the back. "We made it, buddy!"

Remus smirked. "And with our lives and all our limbs, even though we were in fatal danger once a month, for years!"

"Well, my finger has never been the same since I jammed it in the knot of the Whomping Willow," Peter said seriously.

'"Well, aside from Peter's finger," James gave Peter a mock reverent bow, "We fucking made it!"

"The families have arrived," Remus said suddenly, staring out at the stands. "I see my folks. And great, they brought my grandmother. She's ancient, you have to scream at her a thousand times before she hears what you're saying, and even then she thinks you're saying something else."

"My parents are next to yours, James!" Peter said with obvious pleasure.

James looked. "Yeah, the whole Potter clan is there. My mum looks like she's going to cry already."

Sirius scanned the stands, but didn't see his parents anywhere. An awkward silence passed as Peter, Remus, and James looked for Sirius' folks too.

"Looks like my parents couldn't make it!" Sirius said in a too-hearty voice, pushing down a twinge of regret. He had always wanted to show off his Hogwarts diploma to his impressed parents, but because of his House, he never would have that chance.

"Well, never mind!" James said hastily, clapping Sirius on the back. "My mum will likely have a graduation gift for you and she'll fuss over you and cry when Dumbledore gives you your diploma. Probably more than she'll cry for me."

Sirius laughed, and the wave of happiness masked the regret successfully. "Well, who wouldn't prefer a guy like me?"

"Watch it Padfoot," James warned.

Sirius dodged his blows, laughing, and decided not to waste a second's thought or regret on his bloody parents.

_v._

Sirius curled up in the corner of his dark, damp cell. Azkaban was worse than he had thought possible. From the time he woke up, he listened to the insane laughter and shouts and tears of his fellow inmates. Then he would fall into a fitful sleep, waking to another day of the same routine. And then there were the Dementors. Sirius had only been there a week, but already they had sunk him into the depths of misery more times than he could count. Of course, he could always shift into his dog form, but he saved that for when he simply couldn't take it anymore.

He couldn't help but feel that he deserved to be in Azkaban. If he had just tried harder, maybe James and Lily would still be alive. A hoarse sob tore out of Sirius' throat. _Prongs._ Damn, he missed him. He briefly imagined James sitting in the cell next to him, keeping his spirits up by making jokes. But no, because of that worthless Peter, and because of his own blindness, that could never be. James was gone, forever, and so was sweet Lily, and their son, his own godson, was still out there, alone in this terrible and cruel world.

He heard the insane laugh of his _dear_ cousin Bellatrix and groaned. "Shut up!" he yelled, faintly rattling the bars of his door. He didn't expect an answer; Bellatrix had been switching between ranting about her love for Voldemort and sobbing helplessly since he had gotten here. Sirius refused to feel sorry for her when she was crying. She wasn't the cousin he had once looked up to anymore. She was evil now. Her rants usually included mentions of the innocent people she had killed.

Unfortunately for him, Bellatrix seemed to be in a rare lucid moment. "Oh Sirius!" she called, cackling. "How's the brave Gryffindor now?"

Sirius clenched his teeth and ignored her.

"You always thought you were so brave and so good, being a special Gryffindor," she continued, a sing-song air to her voice. "And now you're locked up just like the rest of us!" She delved into her familiar insane laughter again.

Sirius rolled on his stomach. She was right. He was a fucking Gryffindor. He was supposed to have courage. But he was too weak to convince James to make him the Secret-Keeper instead of worthless Peter. He had failed in his duty as best friend.

"I don't deserve to be a Gryffindor," he muttered to himself. Instead of the usual twinge of regret, Sirius felt a wave of regret wash over him. He should have been a Slytherin, not because his parents would appreciate him more or Regulus would still love him, but because then James would still be alive.

In Sirius' twisted mind, this made perfect sense. If he had been a Slytherin, James would still be alive. And for that, he truly regretted being a Gryffindor.

_fin._


End file.
